Ask the Magic Conch. It answers only in its seven lines from 'Club SpongeBob': 'Maybe, someday.' / 'Nothing.' / 'Neither.' / 'I don't think so.' / 'No.' / 'Yes.' / 'Try asking again.' Episode logic applies: what-should-we-do questions get 'Nothing.', either/or gets 'Neither.', repeat questions get 'Try asking again.' and then the sarcastic 'No!'. The shell knows all.

Perform the chant: 'All hail the Magic Conch!' The club responds: 'Hooray for the magic conches!' That is all this does, and it is enough.